The enemy without a face

How do you challenge or overthrow something that does not really exist? I don't mean to say that patriarchy doesn't really exist, but there is no King Patriarch or the Holy Book of Patriarchy being annually reviewed and revised by a Council of Scholarly Patriarchs. Its so widespread, and so omnipresent that it is very much part of the human condition. Its like air, every person born is bound to breathe it, and bound to be affected by it somehow. How do you challenge something without any face at all?

Does it even exist?

I never saw much in life growing up, but now that I can really see, I can see that its present in all of our minds. It floats without scientific, logical or humane basis and it is transmitted from mind to mind in innocuous little ways. Like a virus! It reminds me of Agent Smith (from Matrix). And like an efficient virus, it moves deeper into our subconscious over time till it becomes us. I imagine seeing a little boy (or girl) and smiling at him and finding him and his innocence or warmth spectacular. As soon as he's born, the virus will find its way in. A few years down, we can still see some of the beautiful boy, but we can also see some decay, some gangrene or a sign that he's been afflicted. We meet him a few years further down the line, an adolescent perhaps, and we can see that so much of the beauty is gone, but there's still a lot of him, but there's also the virus that speaks through him sometimes. He grows up and so does the virus (what an amazing creature) and one day, out of nowhere you see him being bizzarely and blatantly cruel to a girl, a girlfriend or a wife. It makes no sense - just yesterday he was someone else. Who taught him this? No-one seems to say this is "good" behavior but everyone seems to do it anyways. And you can't talk to him about it, because he doesn't know. And he doesn't want to, the mind, and its deeper trenches are so private, and carry so many things that the world condemns, that no-one wants to allow people to just invade them without any obvious signs of disease. He protects his mind with unflinching loyalty, just like all of us. What a wonderful virus! And one fine day, like the climax of a teeny bopper zombie flick, we look at him, his nearest and dearest and only see the zombie, and no more the little boy and we exclaim "We need to get rid of him, he's been taken and there is nothing we can do about it. He will hurt everyone in his way" and we get rid of one of our own. The air is filled with the deafening silence of something that was fully expected, not at all a surprise, but still really painful to go through. Just like in the teeny bopper zombie flick.

And then when we walk through the rest of the town, we realize what we're up against. There are zombies in the restaurants, zombies walking down the street, zombies everywhere.. closing in.

What an amazing virus! I wonder if there is a Neo somewhere concocting a vaccine or a syrup to cure us all. 

imhotep.... imhotep.... imhotep.... .........................................................................

The Subtle Art of Running. Away.

I first found my feet when I was little

With little desires and little patience and little power

And I ran I ran out of shame and guilt at being a burden

While still being right there, pesky little me

But I was overjoyed to find this joyride of anger, pain, disappointment, expectation and I hopped on

I’ve had my sneakers on ever since.

Such depth in this well of death of mine the more I run I run deeper inside of me

Much treasure in the dark I see

I can see people out at the edge, smiling lovingly

I suspect they can see some of me too

It’s hard to tell I can tell

If I’m circling up or down

Everything that you can see

When I strip away everything that you can see

my clothes, my shoes

my skin, my feet

my bones, my blood

my soul, my sleep

I see you

waiting for me, 

by the little stream

in the summer sun, 

by the shade of the tree

looking up at me

with you shiny eyes and your daring smile

calm

at peace

whispering to me

washing away my suffering, gently

looking straight at me

far beyond everything that you can see

A note to the "Normal"

When I was in IIT Delhi, I once distanced myself from a close friend because she was a smoker. At the moment, I thought she wasn't normal, possibly weak or addicted or depressive, and hence found myself weary of her and judged her.

Well what a shocker, turns out lots of people smoke. Sigh.

I'm writing this to everyone who feels normal, but different at times. This is to everyone who feels like they are a bit more than what they are socially accepted for.

In IIT Delhi, I would often see men holding hands while walking and wonder what that meant. I remember feeling that maybe they're gay, maybe they want to be, but having this strong sense that it must mean something. I only got to hold hands with girls who fancied me, so it had to mean something! I distinctly remember feeling uncomfortable around it.

The hostel "LAN" kept many of us occupied for most of our time there. It was a world full of movies, music, games and porn. Lots and lots and lots of porn. It wasn't unusual for someone's routine to include 6 hours on the LAN everyday, and masturbation was a popular hobby. Now that I work on gender and am frequently part of debates around the impact of pornography, I look back and can only remember boys being open about it, talking about it, enjoying it and exploring. I can't remember any dark or malicious conversation.

The best kept secret on campus was homosexuality. There were constantly rumors and jokes and jibes around people being gay or doing it with another boy (my stories are largely limited to boys) but I never met anyone who talked about it generally or openly. I once walked down the stairs at my hostel, Jwalamukhi, and was greeted excitedly by some friends with news of a couple of drunk boys having done it in the corridor. In about an hour, a friend from Goa had messaged me saying that he heard this in a rumor. There was no more mention of this.

There were a lot of normals on campus, some talked about, some not but often a lot of them explored. IIT's inability to connect its students with the wider world had the advantage to create a bubble where judgement and discourse was less prevalent. The counter side was that "IITians" were generally seen as abnormal by people outside of IIT. 

I've recently thought and learnt a lot about how different sexual behaviors and identities came to be; and for the first time I feel like I have a perspective towards all that was happening with me and around me. The perspective unfortunately is just this, A LOT OF THINGS are normal. There is nothing that is "more normal" or "as God intended it to be". The divisions between what is okay and what is queer have been created at different points in history by very human forces.

Also, different things mean different things to different people. Holding hands may be flirting to me but it can mean friendship or a sense of security to someone else. So I've learnt to make lesser assumptions and ask more open questions. 

Also, watching porn is okay. Believing that porn is a manifestation of what I'll experience in the world is naive. Fantasizing can be okay. Masturbation can be okay. Different people do different stuff sexually. That's just it. 

But I don't just mean to talk about sex - I mean to say that there are very strong notions of normal floating around - "must do MBA abroad", "must be straight", "must hate books" - feel free to ignore them and be your own normal. 

The Truth about Women's Safety

The increased spotlight on "women's safety" is personally and intellectually very disturbing for me. I work on gender based violence prevention and I'm one of the creators of a technology for personal safety and increasing reporting of physical and sexual violence. Our technology- "Pukar"- is often misunderstood as a tool for women's safety.

What's wrong with that? Women should be safe. Women are unsafe. Women's safety is clearly a relevant agenda. True. Hmm.

Let me try and explain why I feel its tricky. Let's try and think about some of the solutions to women's safety that we're coming across.

A couple of adolescent village girls in Haryana were molested on their way to school last year. A group of 6 villages got together decided that girls were unsafe on their way to school and something needed to be done. They decided that the girls should no longer go to school. Safety? Tick.

A very common solution is a list of do's and don'ts.
I'll add an example at the bottom but some of the common ones include -"you're very vulnerable on a street at night (read: don't go out at night)" , "carry a pepper spray, alarm, stun gun, taser, a man (read: you're weak and dependent)", "constantly inform us of where you are, or better still, we'll call you ten times a day". There are various kinds of such messages, the most powerful and restrictive ones being those from the family. How is any of this contributing positively to the woman's rights? She can't go out, has to depend on men and weapons, has no privacy. But safety? Tick.

A very well educated and well intentioned IPS officer once proclaimed at a public event - "The measure of a country's honor is by the safety of its women and we must at all costs ensure it for the empowerment of women" and that was followed by thunderous applause.  I find this very very problematic. I think if my country's honor was attached to my safety, people would force me to live my life in a vacuum chamber. And I think that's happening to a lot of women in India. I think women's empowerment is not their safety but their right to choose otherwise. By placing the onus of women's safety on the whole society and placing it front and center as a socio-political agenda, we've taken a huge chunk of power away from women. Oh, but safety? Tick.

A friend of mine said this about the Uber rape case in Delhi - "While its completely wrong for anyone to get raped, she should have known better than to fall asleep drunk in a cab at night in Delhi". A lot has been said in the Lok Sabha, in the press and by various leaders about how women are responsible for exciting violence, so I'll skip those references here. There is a link below in case you want to read.

In its current form, women's safety is a moral agenda, not a social one. Its no wonder that women who experience any sort of assaults are first screened for moral discrepancies before being deemed victims or survivors. The focus of the work is not on promoting women's sexual rights and agency, or their mobility but on protecting the honor and dignity of the family, community, village, country. The light at the end of tunnel cannot be just a safe woman; it has to be a free and independent human being with undiluted decision making power. Also, if we directly take up women's sexual rights then not only will we be able to cover right to no harm, but also promote their independence and agency.

References-

• http://archive.indianexpress.com/news/6-haryana-villages-decide-not-to-send-girls-to-school-to-avoid-harassment/1114700/ 
• http://saisaonline.org/writers-corner/women-security-safety-in-india-dos-donts1/
• http://www.dnaindia.com/india/report-all-you-need-to-know-about-gurgaon-rape-case-and-uber-outrage-2042179
• http://indiatoday.intoday.in/story/anti-rape-law-insensitive-remarks-plunge-the-lok-sabha-debate-to-a-new-low/1/258605.html

क्यूँ जीना है यूँ खराशों से?

कुरेदो उन खराशों को, बरसों से वहीं हैं
ना गायब होती हैं, ना दर्द होता है
कुरेदो, देखें क्या है भीतर
शायद चोट अभी कायम है
क्या पता, खराशों की परतें जम गयी हैं
कुरेदो जज़्बातों को
कभी जज़्बाती नही होते?
आँखों में गहराई है
कहती है शायद चोट अभी कायम है
क्यूँ जीना है यूँ खराशों से?
छीलो इन परतों को,
दर्द होगा, खून बहेगा
पर शायद एक दिन थम जाए
या जीना है यूँ खराशों से?
क्यूँ जीना है यूँ खराशों से?

- आदित्य

Comic Relief

Life, tempered by comic relief.

He sat down for watching his 3rd re-run of the 7th episode of the 5th season. Even though by now he could practically predict the words as they poured out on screen, he was looking forward to this. The day hadn't been that great and he looking forward to a distraction. He pulled a beer from the refrigerator, and sat down with his thoughts still circling his head. He'd watch a scene and then drift into his mess, only to be pulled back by the laughter track running every ten seconds or so. Thank god for the laughter track! It may get annoying if you're listening intently, but then who is? The commercials were the hardest part, they are not nearly neat enough to keep you hooked and he drifted right back to the fight with her in the morning. He tried to recollect the events as they happened and silently played out the dialogue; searching for what went wrong. He felt tired and lonely, and was on the verge of shedding a thin little tear when thankfully the laughter track was back! The minor trickle drowned itself in his tepid laughter. 

Is that Cricket I'm watching?

I write this as a fan of the game of cricket, in great confusion. I'm not sure what I follow anymore or who I support. I'm not even sure what's real. Is the team that represents India Srini's XI or Dhoni's XI or maybe India? Was it ever India or were there always vested interests? A flurry of controversies around Indian cricket and their rather murky management have left no doubt that there are powerplays being taken off the field. Beyond that, these controversies have created a lot of doubt.

While the IPL already had a shaky reputation, this year it just turned into a reality show. I've only ever bought one ticket to the IPL, and even though I've lost a lot of time watching the prank, I'm not financially fooled. If I had to simulate a game, I'd do it on an X-box, why watch someone else's simulation? But then was it a simulation, or was it just revenge on Sreesanth for taking on Harbhajan and the BCCI? CSK acted super shady when their guy, Meiyappan, was called in by the police.

Dhoni runs a player management company, which manages players belonging to Chennai and India. How did these players (Jadeja/Raina) end up in both teams led by him? It could be coincidence. He is India's most successful captain ever, so it makes one really question claims of him having conflicted interests, but the situation is murky enough for doubt.

Its hard to disbelieve in the sport you grow up with. Its hard to stop following or supporting it, but I feel like my faith is being tested. Now I see much more when I sit down to watch cricket. What is the truth? 

Closet

He paused before he approached the door. It had always been right in front of him, yet he'd never known what lay inside, nothing apart from some odd article that seemed to overflow. He walked tentatively towards her closet, as if prying, and his hand moved towards the knob. His head was full of theories of what he might see. He was tense, yet excited, he felt it was important, and was looking forward to it. He had been considering it for a while, even the possibility of finding something that might weigh heavily on an otherwise perfect relationship. But it wasn't the darker theories that worried him. He loved her for reasons unlinked. He was perturbed merely by the existence of a closet, it might be full of empty things, things that are too inconsequential to be considered for more than a glance, but it was bothersome nonetheless.
She had often hinted at her discomfort with his curiosity about it, and he had always politely respected her position. But things were different now, curiosity had evolved into confusion, and confusion had escalated to desperation. He had to know, and there was nothing to worry about. A quick glance, and that'll be that. The greatest of all mysteries solved, dissolving the last mile of distance between them.
His hand slowly twisted the knob, and pulled the door towards him. The door groaned, as if in warning, but he was too engaged to notice. To end his misery, he flung the door open. He regretted it and was half worried that he would break a pile of dust and leave behind a noticeable mess. He didn't see it at first, the closet seemed empty, but then his eyes adjusted to the darkness and there it was, sitting quietly in the darkest corner. He squinted in an effort to see it, but when he did, he was left gasping for breath.
It was over. It was her. 

Talking about Stalking

Recently, I've met a lot of fairly highly educated men in India who are worried by the inclusion of stalking and voyeurism as offences in the "anti-rape" amendments. While these individuals might have no intention of harassing or assaulting a woman, they are wary of seemingly harmless sounding words, that might be used to describe most of the activity on facebook, being now used to describe a crime.

They are also terrified of how this kind of inclusion would lead to widespread misuse by women, and they expect that women would start walking into courts and claiming that they were "stalked" or "seen" just for the thrill of winning a case.

This is what the law states -

Voyeurism
Any man who watches, or captures the image of a woman engaging in a private act in circumstances where she would usually have the expectation of not being observed either by the perpetrator or by any other person at the behest of the perpetrator or disseminates such image.

Stalking 
Any man who -

• follows a woman and contacts, or attempts to contact such woman to foster personal interaction repeatedly despite a clear indication of disinterest by such woman; or
• monitors the use by a woman of the internet, email or any other form of electronic communication 

commits the offence of stalking.

Its not considered stalking if the man proves -

(i) it was pursued for the purpose of preventing or detecting crime and the man accused of stalking had been entrusted with the responsibility of prevention and detection of crime by the State; or

(ii) it was pursued under any law or to comply with any condition or requirement imposed by any person under any law; or

(iii) in the particular circumstances such conduct was reasonable and justified

While we may not be able to use peeking into girls' bathrooms or tailing women till they are creep-ed out enough to decide that we love them; which is a massive cultural shift, as pointed out by some members of the Lok Sabha; our general, healthy, two-sided, voluntary interactions with women are not threatened by law.